Reasons why you want what you cannot have so badly. And what to do about it.
We’ve all been there.
Some human being crosses your path by happenstance. Maybe you meet them through a mutual friend, at a work function, at a party, online, or however one meets people these days. There’s an immediate connection like electricity buzzing in the space between you. Just looking at them makes you feel intoxicated like you’ve just taken the best drug to ever exist.
For the days and weeks to follow, all you can think of is this person who made you feel things you almost never get to feel anymore. You conjure up all kinds of scenarios for your amazing future together in your imagination. You have a pretty active imagination.
You yearn to see them again just so you can get another proper hit of this personalized drug that they are to you. The little adventures and fantasies you go on in your mind give you a small hit every time you venture off. But, it’s not quite the same.
There’s no denying it. You’re infatuated with this human. You know it’s not healthy, but it’s so intoxicating.
You want to impress them so you always put your best foot forward. You show them that you are everything they could possibly want in a partner. You’re kind, considerate, interesting, funny, and caring — all the things we all want someone we care about to give us.
They seem a bit distant, but you put it down to them being careful. Of course, they don’t want to rush into anything and potentially have their heart broken. Or that’s the story you tell yourself. They’re kind to you, though. Always friendly, lingering eye contact, they say they’re fond of you.
It takes you a long time, but you finally build up the courage to ask them out. You’re more nervous than you’ve ever been in your life. You’re absolutely shivering with anticipation, excitement, and anxiety. The moment presents itself and you take a leap.
“I’m flattered and very fond of you, but as a friend,” comes the heart-piercing words you weren’t expecting.
Ouch.
You have to learn to see rejection for what it is. It protects you by guiding you away from something not meant for you.
I’ve had people reject me in the past, and, being the scientifically minded neuro-spicy individual that I am, I’d always try to understand the mechanisms of the event. The what, why, how, and all the rest of it.
Why do I feel such an intense emotional response to this rejection? Do all people experience this? Is it just because my ego is bruised? Or is it something deeper than that?
Turns out — it’s something deeper.
Nothing related to human emotions and behavior is ever a simple case of 1 + 1 =2. I’ve always known this, but since walking this path to becoming a psychiatrist, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve plummeted down rabbit holes of research in search of answers that initially looked like a 1 + 1 = 2 scenario. We’re complex beings; socially, biologically, and psychologically. Here’s what I’ve found in some of those rabbit holes:
- Our Egos Are Like Little Toddlers
The ego doesn’t like being told “no,” just like a toddler doesn’t. When someone you feel attracted to, look up to, or idolize even, rejects you, it hurts your ego. It says: “Sorry, you’re just not good enough.” It stings like Bilbo’s letter opener, and, unless you have done the inner work needed to know that you do not need anyone else’s approval to be worthy of acceptance and love, your ego will always cause you to chase after trying to prove yourself worthy. - It Starts in Your Brain
Rejection, whether romantic or otherwise, activates the same areas of your brain that are related to motivation, reward, and addiction. Various studies have shown that experiencing romantic or social rejection will light up areas in the brain like the dACC, AI, and the VTA; areas of the brain responsible for conflict monitoring & self-control (dACC), expression of pain, fear, and anxiety (AI), and reward processing, stress modulation, & drug addiction (VTA). - It Causes Emotional Pain
Your brain doesn’t know the difference between physical and emotional pain. It is for this exact reason that conditions like broken heart syndrome are able to exist. When a romantic interest rejects you, it causes you to experience intense emotional pain. The difference is that those strong emotions linked to the pain will leave you feeling hooked on this person. Or thinking that you are hooked on this person purely because of the intensity of the experience. - It Can Trigger Experiences Embedded in Childhood Trauma
This, again, comes back to experiencing intense emotional pain, along with the effects that trauma can have on the brain. Especially in childhood. As a child, your brain is not yet fully developed, and trauma can cause literal and physical changes to different areas of your brain like the amygdala and hippocampus, the fight-or-flight, and emotional formation, respectively.
Experiencing rejection in adulthood can trigger memories of rejection in childhood, or cause an automatic response in the brain related to that rejection that causes you to experience intense psychosomatic (physical sensations caused by emotions) symptoms. Like feeling flushed, a rapid heartrate, dizziness, etc.
These sensations just further exacerbate those intense emotional feelings I referred to above. - It Feeds The Reward Center in Your Brain
Let’s go back to the areas of your brain that light up and are activated when you are being rejected. When you experience rejection, that area of your brain called the VTA or Ventral Tegmental Area, causes that experience to resemble something similar to sniffing up a line of cocaine. Although it might not make you feel as good as the white nose candy, it does leave you feeling addicted to that person, or the areas of the brain they cause to light up, rather.
The bit I know about evolutionary biology also makes me think that rejection probably has an evolutionary underpinning that causes us to feel this emotional pain because, back when our survival depended on being part of a family, group, or tribe, rejection would have meant almost certain death as you were left to fend for yourself.
What Can You do About it?
As intense as rejection can be, and as heartbroken as it might cause you to feel, there are strategies you can adopt to overcome the pain and move on to better things.
- Stop Blaming Yourself
If you are someone who struggles with low self-esteem or the knock-on effects of trauma, you will probably feel the urge to go into a downward spiral of self-blame. “I’m not good enough.” “I should never have said anything in the first place.” “I’m so stupid.” You’re not any of these things. Choose to see it as a learning experience and god or the universe or your ancestors’ way of guiding you away from people who are not meant for you. It’s got nothing to do with your worth. - Get Your Self-Care Game on
Having to deal with any kind of rejection can be brutal. Take some time out to take care of yourself. Focus on things you can do to nurture yourself; physically, mentally, and emotionally. Invest in nourishing your body by eating healthy food. Your mind by reading more than scrolling on your phone. Your emotions by doing things that make you feel happy. Instead of investing all your energy into focusing on this person who rejected you, turn that focus inward and invest in your overall health and well-being. - Feel Your Feelings
Experiencing intense emotions can be uncomfortable, causing us to want to look away or shut down. Instead, put some time aside to process your emotions rather than shoving them down. If you try to ignore them in some way, they’ll just fester and grow into physical and mental illness. Write about what you feel. Meditate, go for long walks to just be with your emotions. Do whatever works for you. Just, don’t ignore your emotions. - Burn the Letter
A technique that has been used by humans for centuries. Write a letter to the person who rejected you. Pour all your emotions out onto those pages. Tell them how they made you feel and why. Then, burn the letter. It symbolizes the act of letting go, which has been shown to have real positive psychological benefits. Give it a go. Just don’t burn anything else down.
Rejection sucks, no matter how you look at it. Our biology makes it extra challenging to deal with. But, the bottom line is that you are not a slave to your emotions and can choose how to proceed. Emotional resilience doesn’t happen overnight. All these little (and big) disappointments we experience as we make our way through this life are there to help us build resilience so we are able to bounce back faster and stronger.
The most important piece of advice I’ll leave you with is: be kind to yourself. You enter this world by yourself and you will leave by yourself. You will spend more time in your own thoughts than anything else. Learn to become your own best friend. Learn to love yourself and take care of yourself in every aspect of life without allowing hardships to cause you calluses that harden you to the point where you are unable to let anyone in anymore.
Always choose kindness, toward yourself and others.
Love is the answer.
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Jo Rust is a world record holder, professional writer, author, speaker, Mensa Member, mental health activist, coach, and doctor in training.
