Many people will tell you that only through forgiving those who did you wrong and hurt you can you fully heal. I’ve always had a serious issue with that. It’s just never sat well with me, and I learned a very long time ago always to trust my instincts and critical thinking skills.
That’s until I realized that what I had been taught had me trying to force myself to do something that felt wrong to my core. It turns out I’ve had it backward all along.
Traditional teachings around forgiveness are based on religion and focused on the culprit/antagonist/wrongdoer/guilty party, or whatever you want to call it. “I forgive YOU for the pain YOU caused me.”
Instead, it might be more helpful to see the pain and suffering caused by another as part of an invisible suitcase you carry with you. Forgiveness is not about telling another that you forgive them for what they did to you, therefore making it feel like you’re saying it’s okay. This way you’re instead focusing on putting down what you’ve been carrying and letting go of the pain, hurt, deceit, sorrow, grief, etc., that you’ve been carrying with you. These things are extremely heavy; forgiveness simply entails putting it down and moving on.
This way, the focus is entirely on you, the experiences and feelings you’ve been carrying with you, and their impact on your life. You cannot control the actions or feelings of others. You can’t make someone feel resentful for having hurt you. You can force someone to want to apologize to you.
You can only control what you choose to focus on and how you choose to react. You cannot control the past or the future. Change happens in the actions you choose to take in the present moment-by-moment, every single day.
I’m not saying it’s easy. It is simple. But not easy. We tend to overcomplicate things for ourselves. Life really isn’t all that complicated. We make it complicated because we’re driven by our emotions. When you learn to view your emotions for what they are, which is simply information and not facts, you start taking back your own power instead of allowing your emotions to dictate your reactions to certain triggers in your environment.
As someone with Autism, I have experienced and struggled with extremely intense emotions all my life. My neurodivergent nervous system causes my senses to be heightened and extremely sensitive. Very often people mistakenly believe that people who are on the Autism spectrum do not experience empathy when it’s quite the opposite. I experience such devastating levels of empathy that it causes my emotions to go haywire.
So, my emotions controlled my reactions for the longest time.
With years of practice, I’ve finally learned how to regulate my emotions effectively. Something that we should be taught in school. If the world were equipped with emotional regulation and critical thinking skills we’d never witness a war again.
But I digress.
My point is that viewing forgiveness as the act of setting down the pain you’ve been carrying can make it easier for you to move through the stages of grief and move on with your life.
Exercise
Here’s an exercise you might find helpful. With regular practice, it will teach you how to view your daily thoughts and emotions as just that. They’re just thoughts and emotions. Just because you have them doesn’t mean you have to react to each one of them.
Step 1: Find a comfortable spot where you won’t be disturbed for at least 10 minutes. Set a timer for the next 10 minutes and then find a comfortable position, sitting or lying down. Take a moment to check in with yourself. What is your mood like today? Now, close your eyes and bring your focus to your breathing. Notice how your belly rises and falls as you breathe in and out. Breathe as you would normally. Don’t try and change your breathing.
Step 2: Imagine you’re in the Sahara desert. In front of you are sand dunes as far as the eye can see. Now, think about some of the difficult emotions you’ve been experiencing of late. Imagine these emotions being written out in the sand in front of you. Can you see it? Picture it clearly in your mind. Then, allow the wind to blow it away. Wait for the next thought, feeling, or emotion that comes up. Imagine it being written out in the sand, and then allow the wind to blow it away. Do this until the timer goes off.
Step 3: Take a deep breath and open your eyes. Notice how you are feeling now. Has anything changed? Has your mood changed from what you noticed when you started? If you’re someone who journals (and I always suggest that people journal because it’s so incredibly helpful), you can write about the thoughts and emotions that came up for you and what you’ve learned from this experience.
Practice this daily at the end of your day for the next month and see what a difference it makes in your life.
I hope you found this helpful.
With positive vibes,
Jo
