Do you ever feel like the entire world is against you? Asking yourself questions like: “Why does this ALWAYS happen to me”? What have I done to deserve this? Wishing that others could understand that their behavior impacts how you feel?
Then it might be time we had an honest and open conversation, as it is most likely that you find yourself stuck in what is called ‘victim mentality’.
I know, I know, just reading those two words can feel uncomfortable. But I can bet that you’ve either struggled with this at some point in your life or know of someone who does. It’s more common than you think.
You might have dismissed those words the moment you read them. What? ME? Never.
I know for a fact that I’ve been there. That place where I’ve blamed others for my own feelings. Not choosing to take action. Allowing myself to remain stuck and still complain about it.
It’s hard to look in the mirror and admit to yourself that there are things you might be doing that are causing you pain or discomfort. It’s only when we are courageous enough to take a step back and assess what we need to change within ourselves that we can move forward.
So here are some of the signs to look out for, and what you can do about them.
Quick: Rate how much you agree with each of these items on a scale of 1 (“not me at all”) to 5 (“this is so me”):
- It is important to me that people who hurt me acknowledge that an injustice has been done to me.
- I think I am much more conscientious and moral in my relations with other people compared to their treatment of me.
- When people who are close to me feel hurt by my actions, it is very important for me to clarify that justice is on my side.
- It is very hard for me to stop thinking about the injustice others have done to me.
If you scored high (4 or 5) on all of these items, you may have what psychologists have identified as a “tendency for interpersonal victimhood.”
Life is filled with ambiguity. Friends don’t always smile back at you. People don’t always respond to your text immediately, and bosses sometimes have an upset look on their faces. The question is: how do you INTERPRET these situations? Is it your default to take it personally, or do you consider that your friend might just be having a bad day, that person who hasn’t responded to your text might just be busy, and your boss might just be under a great deal of pressure? Social ambiguity is an unavoidable part of social life.
Signs to be aware of and look out for:
- Feeling powerless and helpless. Not even trying to do something because you believe it won’t work anyway.
- Dwelling on the negative. Some people constantly complain about life to either attract attention or to fill a perceived void in their life.
- Continually putting yourself down.
- Remaining stuck in the past and refusing to move on from past disappointments.
- Blaming the world and everyone around you for how you feel.
- Wearing your problems as a badge of honor. Constantly talking about the same problems over and over again to the same people without actually doing something about it.
- Feeling ‘cheated’ or resentful, like the world owes you something.
How to empower yourself:
- Take ownership and responsibility for your own needs and wants.
- Learn to set healthy boundaries. If you don’t want to do something, communicate that and don’t do it. Constantly allowing others to overstep your boundaries leads to resentment within yourself and toward others.
- Become more aware of your thought patterns. As soon as you realize that you’re focusing on blaming something outside of yourself, stop and ask yourself what the solution might be.
- Do journaling to explore what the root of your feeling of powerlessness might be.
- Practice self-compassion. No one is perfect and there will be times when you slip back into a victim mentality. Give yourself grace when this happens. It takes a great deal of courage and maturity to even be willing to do this kind of internal work.
- Turn your focus to helping others. When you’re stuck in victim mode, all the focus is on you and your problems. Acknowledge this with compassion, then turn your focus on helping another human being.
- Practice gratitude on a daily basis.
- Consider different possible solutions for the problems you are experiencing.
- Practice listening more than talking.
Love, Jo
